Let meintroduce myself.  I’m EmersonDonnell.  Born and raised in New Jersey Iwaited until my 40’s to have a child. Little did I know I was a perfect match, a statistical poster of thetypical parent who sires an autistic child, (an older white male living in NewJersey, the state with the highest incidence of autism.)   And little did I know after the birth of myson Emerson that my wife Jen and I were being railroaded right into the next widelyaccepted statistic. Supposedly over 80% of marriages that sire an autisticchild end in divorce. Some even say it's more like 85%.  First I wanted to verify if it was true, butin my research I could not validate this "statistic." However,  after being force fed into autism's meatgrinder of financial distress, anger, frustration and heartbreak I don't doubtit for a second.

WhenLittle Emerson was first diagnosed this specter of collateral damage wasrelegated as not only unavoidable but something my wife and I simply had tosurrender to. I remember wondering why wasn't anyone addressing this? What'sgoing wrong and where are the books to help families hold it together? When toomany soldiers die on a battle field the commanders and strategists don't justshrug their shoulders and say "oh well."  No, they sit down, figure out what's goingwrong and set plans to prevent it from happening again.

Now thereare many reasons why families divorce even when nothing so tragic happens, butone glaring cause seemed to be revealed from recent research.  And I can attest to the findings because Iwas living this very experience.  Recentstudies from the University of Florida found most families fall apart becauseDads check out. Furthermore, it wasn't due to the fact his child was autistic,it was how autism was affecting his relationship with the child. They couldn'tconnect. It's not that dads didn't want to connect, it was that they didn'tknow how.  

Here'smy personal example of how the nuclear family stricken with autism can suddenlydisintegrate. As most dads, I had warm Christmas like visions of my son runningto my arms when coming home from a hard day’s work. But every night when I camethrough the door my hands were left empty. My son was deaf, blind andemotionless to my arrival. There was no response whatsoever. His indifferencecrushed my very foundation of fatherhood. Autism is so insidious, it can seep intothe family fabric and begin to tear it apart before you even realize it'sthere. After his diagnosis, I discovered this was very typical of an autisticchild, but it still didn’t lessen the pain. Night after night I came home, gotinto my son’s face and vied for his attention. Inside I begged for someresponse, anything, a quick glimpse back or maybe even a smile, but each nightwas the same. I couldn’t rip him out of his thousand mile stare. I was lost.After another night of irrelevance, I remember tossing my car keys on thecounter and cursing under my breath. My evening was ruined again and mybehavior was about set the whole house into another emotional tailspin. Despitemy best efforts, I couldn’t help but become more detached as hopelessness and depressionset in. It's not that I didn't want to connect with my son, it was that Ididn't know how. I was becoming overwhelmed, I wanted to "fix" thesituation, but had no idea how to go about it. 

A fatherwanting to connect with his child for his own fulfillment may sound like aselfish endeavor, that he's not thinking of the child's best interests. But onthe contrary. Creating bonds and developing proper emotional responses to aparent may be arguably the most important therapy a child can receive. Recentstudies found that when a father learned to connect with his child and"stay in the game" the child's vocabulary typically increased by over50%!  Furthermore, developingaffectionate behaviors early on can help break through the gray shell of autismand bring out the colorful humanity hidden within these children. As awonderful side effect, learning to connect will help weave the family fabricback together. 

This allsounds great, but if you're a parent struggling with this very problem, Iimagine your thinking, so where do Ibegin? There are so many areas to work on but let's get down to thenitty-gritty, and revisit the above scenario of family greetings.

Cominghome at the end of the day and trying to get into your child's face in the hopeof a reaction is basically a formula for failure. It may not sound very fun,but being calculating and pragmatic is the best approach. The goal here is toget your child out of his world and for your arrival and presence to berelevant to him.

As withany other ABA program you may have to first physically prompt him, but the keyis to get the child physically involved in the greeting process. 1. Call yourspouse ahead of time so he or she can prepare the environment. Turn the TV off,get any food or drink out of the child's hands. Start to talk about "Daddycoming home," and physically get him facing the door. By doing this youare narrowing down distractions and setting up the environment. Dads (or Mom -whomever is coming home) should not simply walk through the door, but knock onthe door, call his child's name. If the child does not respond, mom should helpthe child walk to the door, physically prompt him to open the door ifnecessary. (Do not just pick up the child or open the door for them. The goalis to get them involved and participating). Dad should be bent down at hislevel and come in with a hug. 

As amajor note, do not expect this to all go smoothly. To put it lightly pulling anautistic child out of his comfort zone to participate in normal affectionatebehaviors can be a battle of wills. Expect melt downs, flopping and resistance,but this is unfortunately a natural process of acclimating autistic children toour world. One day may not better than the last, but chances are you will beginto see progress through weeks and months. Also, like other ABA regimens, developing this behavioral habit ofcoming to the door at the sound of a parent's voice, opening it and embracingwill be infinitely easier to ingrain when they are younger. Autistic childrenare known for developing "habits" and creating these specific typesof habits can have profound positive effects. Though they may not have thecapacity to understand the intrinsic good feeling of an embrace, I have foundit can be taught and may blossom back in ways never imagined.  Finally getting your child to independentlyrun to the door at the sound of your voice will be priceless.  This is the stuff that keeps families togetherworking for more.